Smile On Your Brother

I had a perfect dream of an old friend last night.

I just looked up from the bar, and he was standing there grinning and holding his arms open. We didn't speak, and that hug lasted for several minutes. There was laughter and music. Relief.

That kind of moment doesn't happen over the phone lines, but it does happen in real life and thank fuck for that.

i gotta a big lovey dovey hangover today.
it rocks.

hahahahaha

hahahahahahahahaha,
there is nothing to cure the blues like a good old fashioned bender (including dress-up AND dancing...oh my!).

I said "oh, I only had 5 beer", but I am loaded! I love being a cheap drunk!!!

hahahahahahaha,

good times.
oh typing is very difficult!

Crash n' Burn

I gotta take a breather. Quiet time. By myself, focusing on things that are good for me.

Instead of walking on the precipice with the constant fear of falling making me defensive and uptight. It's gotta stop now and i am the one who has to stop it.

Can't be blamed on him or him or circumstance or situation. i gotta cop to it. it's my shit and i actually know better than to let this happen.

But i am letting it happen. it is happening every day. i can look around the room and see evidence of apathy, of discontent. Of slippage.

Being lonely is desperate. It's ugly and pathetic and discouraging and heartbreaking. It is so tangible and so difficult to explain. It's so difficult to "have faith", as a friend of mine put it tonight - he said "don't let it suck you in, just have faith that the better you are, the better things will be."

I have heard all the clichés and platitudes. I've heard the psychobabble, i've taken the pills, i've said nice things to my naked body in the mirror.

And still i feel gnarled and twisted and misunderstood which in turn makes me cranky and bitter and unfit company.

I gotta get a foot-hold, and soon.

Shrink Rap

I can't get it right. I can't deconstruct it all so that it makes sense to me. Sooooooo frustrating and discouraging and still - shouldn't think like that, put on a brave face, hold the head up high, laugh and dance and get on with it.

what. the. fuck.
what the fuck?

that's all I wanna know.

I am glad i gotta wifey that understands me.

But i still wish i had a man that wants to hold onto me.

Half as lonesome as the sound

"On the sunday morning sidewalks
Wishing lord that I was stoned
’cause there is something in a sunday
That makes a body feel alone
And there’s nothin’ short of dyin’
Half as lonesome as the sound
On the sleepin’ city side walks
Sunday mornin’ comin’ down"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RETRACTION.
fuck. i should have learned the email lesson so many times before. i wish i could print a retraction, instead of letting my temper get the better of me. hurt feelings, whatever.

The fall has got me by the balls.
sentimental sunday, evocative of so many other times and places.

5 minutes after I sent an email to jeebs, he phoned.
this is a season filled with synchronicity.

"And it took me back to somethin’
That I’d lost somehow somewhere along the way"

Look out Byes, She's Gonna Blow

Today the anger kinda punched me in the gut and I am mad. Offended, pissed off and mad. I should be able to examine this situation from an objective "good for me" perspective. But I can't. Sorry. I've tried. I'm pissed.

A question in your nerves is lit...

oh, fuck off.

Teachers' T-Shirts Bring Bush Speech Ouster

by kgw.com and AP Staff
CENTRAL POINT, Ore. -- Three Medford school teachers were threatened with arrest and thrown out of the President Bush rally at the Jackson County Fairgrounds Thursday night, after they showed up wearing T-shirts with the slogan "Protect our civil liberties."

Three Medford school teachers who were thrown out of a Bush rally because of their t-shirts. All three women said they were carrying valid tickets for the event that they had received from Republican Party headquarters in Medford, which had been distributing event tickets to Bush supporters.

Teacher Janet Voorhies said she simply wanted to bring a message to President Bush, but did not intend to protest.

"I wanted to see if I would be able to make a statement that I feel is important, but not offensive, in a rally for my president," said Voorhies, 48.

The women said they were angered by reports of peaceful protesters being thrown out of previous Bush-Cheney events. They said they chose the phrase, "Protect Our Civil Liberties," because it was unconfrontational.

"We chose this phrase specifically because we didn't think it would be offensive or degrading or obscene," said Tania Tong, 34, a special education teacher.

The women got past the first and second checkpoints and were allowed into the Jackson County fairgrounds, but were asked to leave and then escorted out of the event by campaign officials who allegedly told them their T-shirts were "obscene."

Democrats were quick to pounce on the incident and claimed the GOP has routinely sought to disclude anyone from public appearances by President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney who might question the administration. There was no immediate comment from Republican officials.

"Thursday's actions in Oregon set a new standard even for Bush/Cheney - removing and threatening with arrest citizens who in no way disrupt an event and wear clothing that expresses non-disruptive party-neutral viewpoints such as "Protect Our Civil Liberties," said Adam Green, a spokesman for the Oregon Democratic Party.

When Cheney visited Eugene last month, the Register-Guard newspaper reported that Perry Patterson, 54, was cited for criminal trespassing for blurting out the word "No" after Cheney claimed that the Bush administration had made the world safer.

Punching the Clock

I love my job! It's great! Tonight I sold 2 televisions. I have never sold a TV before. Those 27 inchers are not easy to scan, let me tell you. I actually said out loud before i left the house "please let me be on express tonight", and my wish was granted. I love the express lane. It's bag your own, which means i don't have to. sold a lot of feminine hygiene products tonight. look out halifax! also sold my first enema. interesting. 2 enemas, actually. to the same person. and you know what else? a LOT of people came in late tonight and bought ONLY ice cream. i think the whole city is in my frame of mind:

P.F.O.

Wow, am I ever cranky.

Midterms are O.V.E.R. oh MAN. thank GOD. i will NOT get myself into that kind of predicament again. Time to geek out on the books.

well, time to flake out in the sack. a little sleep in, a little coffee....i'm punching the clock 'til friday.

Little Miss Moffat Ages Gracefully

The old gang hooked up at Stage 9 tonight to celebrate ash turning the big 2-9. It was great. I am pretty tipsy.

Thank god i passed my economics midterm (74% I think).

Do I want to go to med school?

You just don't know!!!

I missed something somewhere along the line. Did everybody else get the notes and not bother to pass them on to me??

The only boyfriend that I have ever had & I broke up a decade ago. Ten years ago. That was a good first relationship (except at the end, when it deteriorated into psychotic bullshit - but I'm okay with that now). We met, we made out, we had a few dates, we wrote a few love notes, we talked on the phone for hours and then we had sex. I was new to that whole part of life. We dated for almost 2 months before we did the deed. I have no regrets about that. I am still glad that he never pressured me to give it up before I wanted to. He was a romantic guy, skilled in the art of seduction and making love. I learned a lot, and I had a lot of fun with him.

Since he & I split up.... well, life has been different. I'm not much of a gal for flings and one night stands (although my track record does not necessarily reflect that very accurately).

What is the fucking deal with "courtship" or whatever the fuck we should call it? Like, is it just normal to screw one of your best friends and then act like it never happened (even if it happened more than once - hypothetically of course)? That is so not normal in my books. But I still go along with it - heaven forbid that I should be "uncool".

Heaven forbid that I should send myself spiralling downward into the mental prison that offers no escape to reality. I've done my time there, and I will die if I go back. Literally.

So I'm tough & cool.

This is a gross misrepresentation of who I actually am (sooky & neurotic). Sooky & neurotic is not attractive, so I am practicing the "fake it till you make it" school of thought - where if I pretend I am tough & cool enough, then I will actually be tough & cool. I would not say that this is an effective method, but i must get a few points for trying.

Is romance dead?

What happened to wooing, to making a gal weak in the knees? Since I broke up with the aforementioned boyfriend, I have really only experienced this twice: once with the devil, and once in Cuba, with a saint. In halifax, it seems that seduction is viewed as largely overrated, and therefore I have found myself on more than one occasion (3 actually come to mind immediately) sitting on my sofa/in the rockroom/at my desk innocuously sharing a beer/joint/gin & tonic with a guy pal when suddenly, out of left field, it becomes obvious that the guy pal thinks we are going to screw. This can often be determined by the phrase "do you want to screw?" as opposed to the old fashioned (?) way of making eyes, touching thighs, wanton sighs ... and seeing where the adventure ends up.

Of course, in those 3 instances I can think of, I only turned down one of these less than earth shattering propositions. Hey, I'm a hot blooded woman.

I'm an old fashioned, hot-blooded woman dammit and I want to be courted. I don't want to stick my neck out to have it severed. I don't want to see you naked and then run into you at the grocery store and act like you are my buddy ole' pal. Dude, you are not my pal, you were last seen in the form of my "lover", and I am applying no weight to that word. Can't we just roll in the hay now & then and cut the bullshit? Life is too short for complications. Let's watch a movie, let's have a beer, let's shoot the shit. Let's get it on.

This is not really a tall order.

But somehow or another, I can't get it right. If I'm looking for love, then I'm typically loving somebody who isn't. If I'm just looking for some lovin', then I'm typically lovin' somebody who has already got a steady love supply.

It's enough to make a gal study for midterms.

Midterms

The membrane potential of a neuron decreases as it travels across a dendrite, but as an action potential travels down the axon, it remains constant. Well, that's not exactly it (which could be the problem with the midterm...hmmm)... the point really is that the action potential certainly does not seem constant from here.

what a drag. i knew my neurons were fucked.

Superfreak

You know what this reminds me of? The first summer at the mothership. I only just realized it, how edgy adrenaline can make you. Late night, wee hours, it's a different time. Everything is a little altered, and the more you're in it....well, the more altered things start to get. Things whirrrrr around and buzz and hissssssssssss and fingers drum and feet tap.... last night, walking home, i was transported to a night four years ago, on barrington & blowers. i was on a shitload of mushrooms and had smoked my fair share of weed. i'm sure that i had enjoyed at least one cocktail, if not half a bottle. i was walking down the street that night, and i could feel my hair growing and i turned and looked back towards the khyber, and there was something about the streetlights, and the pavement, and the puddles... it was just one of those moments that gets etched into your being. hollis street looked like that last night. it's the fall vibe. sweaters, coats, hats & boots. the leaves make a certain sound, everything smells heavy. anyway, i digress. the point is that the current state of the elements is aligned in my brain like that again. it's a good thing, but it's a little scary.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooossssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

C100 is giving away trips to cuba.

Gobble Gobble

I am lucky enough to have two families, so that when the big day of eatin' came, i was not left out in the cold (except to bring the shutters in from the rain).

i do feel quite thankful.

now i just feel silly for typing that.

Morning Comes Early

...I MUST SLEEP.

..But today i am tired for a great reason.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

i guess the rest of this entry is censored.

;)

Rhythm of the Night

So far, I have not been too successful at getting my sleep/wake cycle back to that of a normal functioning human being. In fact, I feel more discombobulated than usual, maybe it's getting worse. I lose track of the actual time of day on a regular basis. The night time is the right time. Goal for tomorrow is to go to bed immediately after work.

I got some bad news tonight, about a guy I used to work with who got in shit for something stupid. It really bummed me out. I really looked up to this guy and wonder what was going on with him that would have caused him to fall from grace so clumsily (i guess that is something that can never exactly be done gracefully per se, despite itself).

At the restaurant this evening, while displaying the ingenious innovation of a collegue, I managed to pour half a beer onto my leg. The biggest reason that was a drag is that now I can't wear those jeans to school tomorrow. Since that is all I have been wearing to school for the past month, I am sort of at a loss on the wardrobe front.

My speakers.....my prized technological possession(s) (although currently closely rivaled by my printer)..... they're fucking broken, man!!!! What the fuck!?!?!? I have no idea what is going on there, except one of them started to buzz and now they sound like SHIT and I don't think the subwoofer is even producing anything remotely close to a bass line....a low level drone would be more appropriate. I am too cranky to look into this problem at present....minnie the moocher likes to prowl the pad at these hours and I don't feel like coming face to face with a rodent.

schoolwork, why have thou forsaken me? i must get my hands on thee without delay or i fear that i shall perish.

too many things on the brain.
not enough things in the brain.

(is this your brain on drugs?)

You Don't Know the Shape I'm In

Let's review the day:

Plan: Sleep in
Result: Achieved

Plan: Do Spanish homework, study for test. Do economics reading & print lecture notes. Read Poli Sci. Possibly begin Psych Lab.

Result:
Spanish homework achieved. {Preparedness for test: 65% (ie: not achieved)}
Economics ~ not achieved
Poli Sci ~ not achieved
Psych Lab ~ not achieved

Plan: Clean apartment.
Result: Partially achieved {dishes cleaned}

Plan: Cook food.
Result: Achieved

Panic level regarding schoolwork: high
Panic level regarding money: high
General panic level: inconsistent.
Alertness level: catatonic

Plan: Bed by 11pm (with above tasks all achieved)
Current Time: 2:03am.
Alarm set for: 9:00am.

This week, things must improve. Wish me luck.

In my Basement Room With a Needle and a Spoon

Late nights have become the norm and it's taking a toll on me. It all started with Dawn's 30th birthday celebration on Thursday night. The Class of '92 enjoyed a cocktail, a bottle of champagne and a fine meal then onward to the shoe shop for massive imbibing and the moneymaker shake. Off too Stage 9 for some Mellotone action, and finally home to bed. After my obligatory chill period. Sleep is so scarce and treasured right now. I am wiped. Friday night, working and then up until the wee hours unravelling the brain. Cuff the Duke was brilliant last night, I was so happy to see them in the flesh. We made the mistake (sorry guys) of heading to the Marquee for the torpedo....not worth the trip, but maybe just because our minds were elsewhere.

there is a certain kind of sunday that really makes me miss hell. but today i have a lot of work to do, so that's a thought for another time. i love the fall, but it is heavy. it seems too easy for loneliness to creep in.